I was looking underneath the need to be right. Why on earth would I even care about being right? Why would I want to argue with anyone with the goal of being proven right? It was amazing to me that I could care that much. So I took a good look underneath that need, and what I felt was fear – fear of a feeling that seemed to be lurking in my gut.
So all this posturing and arguing for my point of view, with someone I deeply love, was all to avoid a feeling that I had hidden away so that I would never have to feel it. Not surprising, really, I just wasn’t expecting this dynamic to be there; I assumed the need to be right was a bottom line position for my sense of self.
So I stopped, and faced the feeling that the fear was covering up, which was that I was a failure. At this point I allowed myself to feel that feeling without labeling it, and once that energy was allowed, it could dissipate.
But that’s not really what I’m writing about this evening. Seeing the role of fear in this dynamic, I was suddenly struck with appreciation for fear as the motor of this human drama. Fear seems to be the prime mover and motivator for all of us actors here; as actors, we certainly need motivation in order to play our roles. I could see fear motivating and underscoring so much of what takes place here on this planet, but instead of judging it as bad, I was able to see that without it, we would all probably be lying around feeding each other grapes or something. (This would not be so good, as grapes are very high on the glycemic index.)
There wouldn’t be a dynamic play of the opposites without fear, working behind the scenes, and also overtly, providing us with the motivation and the impetus to create what plays out here every day. That’s not to say people’s desire to alleviate suffering is somehow false, but when I checked that out for myself, there was definitely a fear-factor at work as well.
It’s the very nature of this play to have the opposites in conflict, with each side thinking they are right, but being afraid of either losing the fight or having to face the fear of what it might be like to lose. And underneath the fear is a feeling we simply don’t want to feel. What I can suggest is using the Unfindable Inquiry to see if that fear, or any feeling that might seem to be present, can even be found.
Having seen this in my own life, I now have a new appreciation for the role of fear. I am much more likely now to recognize and to try and find the fear wherever it seems to be lurking. Using the Unfindable Inquiries, we also get to see the emptiness of the fear dynamic, and also get to experience the lie of the deficient self that we have been believing. In this way, we can actually experience the truth of our infinite awareness.