Seeking Experience

One of the things I am noticing is just how many teachers, authors, speakers, etc. I have created in my hologram to remind me of what it is I already know. Just this morning , I was listening to another one I had never heard of before, who was not only telling me what I already knew, but was naming another half-dozen or so authors and bloggers and speakers and teachers who I had never heard of whose message was also the same. These people are everywhere!

What is this message? Simply put, we are not our thoughts, we are not our feelings, we are not our sensations; we are the infinite awareness in which all that happens.

There is a quantum physicist on island who has proven mathematically that all atoms are actually black holes. Chew on that one for a while! We even have scientific proof that matter doesn’t actually exist, or at least it doesn’t exist in the way we thought it did. This is a world of dreams, and I am the dreamer.

So why is this post titled the way it is? Because instead of resting in pure awareness, I have been looking for, and waiting for, an experience of resting in pure awareness. I am the wave seeking a reunion with the ocean, instead of noticing there is no way to be separate from the ocean, and just enjoying the ride.

And guess what? My seeking has also been perfectly occurring within awareness. Nothing can happen outside of awareness. It’s just another thing to be noticed. What wants to make it wrong (or right) is the same seeking mechanism that I am writing about here. The same mechanism that thinks the separate self is an actual object, an object to be perfected, to have experiences, to eventually realize truth. Even science has proven that this separate self doesn’t exist.

I am the ocean. I am the wave as well, resting in the knowing that there is no separation.

Acting

Do you ever get the feeling that you are an actor in some sort of play? Lately, I have been watching myself being an actor, speaking as if I am reading from a script, saying things that sometimes sound genuine and sometimes not, using body language and hand gestures in a particular way, etc.

Sometimes I just catch myself and wonder why I am saying or doing something, as it will suddenly seem so contrived. For example, why did I move my hand in that way? Or, that yawn I just yawned was so obviously acted! It seemed so orchestrated, as if I were indeed following some stage direction that has told me to move my hand in that way, or to yawn as I sat down in that chair. Or I notice a certain tone of voice, and wonder why I used that tone of voice – it seems too dramatic, or exaggerated, or something.

I am putting this together with an experience I had over four years ago in which I “saw” that everyone is really acting, I mean really acting, and that this is all some elaborate drama in which we are all participating. When I saw this, I saw that some people were completely oblivious to the fact that they were acting, and some people, fewer in number, were aware that they were acting on some level.

However, everyone I observed was completely absorbed in their roles, and playing them out to perfection. In fact, there was absolutely no way that they couldn’t have been perfect at their roles. After all, they were playing “themselves,” and how can you screw that up? (I’m not claiming here that this makes any logical sense, in case you were wondering.)

For some reason, I am seeing that more than ever right now. (Coincidentally, a friend who was over last night wanted to watch the movie, “The Nines.” That movie portrays this concept really well.) This is all adding to the realization that none of this is real, that we, or I, or all of us, have decided to have a particular experience on this plane of existence, and we are all playing it out, quite literally acting it out, having the experience we all wanted to have.

As I write this, I am feeling that the next post will have to do with the script writing process. Fun!

Discombobulated

This word keeps coming to my awareness as it relates to how I feel lately. I looked it up, just to make sure I understood its meaning, and here is what I found: disconcert or confuse (someone): this attitude totally discombobulated Bruce. 

I don’t know who this Bruce guy is, but he better get his act together. As for me, what I am finding disconcerting of late is that my normal patterns of taking in and processing information don’t seem to be operative right now. I could always find something in the field of non-duality to bring me inspiration and comfort; I enjoy Facebook for that reason, as I often read the posts from some of the more prominent non-duality luminaries. Then, as a result of information I have become aware of through email forwards and some poking around, I have found myself looking at those web sites that might provide more information about what is brewing in the world. Now it seems that both of these sources of inspiration and stimulation are providing neither, and I find myself feeling impatient with all of it.

Then there is the physics angle, and that is certainly interesting. Did you know that every atom is actually a black hole? Makes you look at this creation with somewhat different eyes. (My wife has often said that my memory is somewhat like a black hole, but that is another story.) I have also come across a beautiful DVD about sacred geometry, and that is a great combo of left and right brain stimulation. However, I don’t feel drawn to pursue this knowledge beyond a certain point.

As I have been typing this, it has occurred to me that more and more, I am being drawn inward, to feel what is going on in my own individual universe. Since all my atoms are composed of nothing but black holes, this would certainly provide enough possibilities for exploration to last, well, forever.

But this supposed choice I have of pursuing whatever line of inquiry I desire is really no choice at all. My script is being written simultaneously with my playing it out. If it has become uncomfortable for me to pursue a certain line of inquiry, then I won’t do it, and I can instead trust that my perfectly written script is leading me exactly where I need and want to go.

Right now, I am simply observing that my normal pursuits are not doing it for me. And yes, I do feel somewhat discombobulated, but less so as a result of writing this post. It’s just another feeling to be felt, after all.