No Defense

I read this poem from Jeff Foster the other day, and it reminded me of a couple of recent experiences, which I will relate after the poem.


It is devastation.
It takes no prisoners.
Everything you think is yours

It will destroy in a heartbeat.
It is unsentimental.I will strip you of your pride
And crush your dignity.

It specialises in the end of childhood dreams.

Its methods are brutal
But its intention is loving.

It only longs to wake you up
And look through your eyes
At its own marvellous creation.

A couple of months ago, I signed up for a Deepenings Course with Scott Kiloby. It begins Dec. 16. His work appeals to me for many reasons, not the least of which is his new Unfindable Inquiry, which instead of focusing on fixing whatever issues are in our lives, focuses on trying to find the person this is actually happening to (and failing!) It removes the foundation upon which all our stories have been built, instead of trying to fix the stories themselves.

Anyway, the night I signed up for the course, I had a dream whose details escape me at the moment. The feeling I had when I woke up didn’t escape me, however – that there was no more running and hiding, that this course would expose all of my most elaborate defense systems to the pure light of day. Mostly it was the feeling of being completely exposed, nowhere to go but here and now, feeling at the height of vulnerability, all my personality games there for all to see.

I felt fear and excitement (mostly excitement)  simultaneously, that this was where my life was leading me. I was in awe of the wisdom that had guided me so ingeniously to that present, completely vulnerable moment.

The only other time I ever felt that vulnerable was making love with my wife, where my intention to give of myself completely, to put myself all out there, led to that same feeling of utter vulnerability.

The power inherent in not protecting myself in all the usual ways is inconceivable.