I had spent several days feeling completely out of place. It felt like I was either in the wrong body or I was on the wrong planet. I couldn’t imagine any activity or venture that would make the slightest bit of difference to how I felt. The feeling is my body was becoming very difficult to bear, and it didn’t seem like there was anything I could do to change it. I tried all my techniques, especially just sitting with the feeling, but the feeling was proving to be quite elusive.
Then I remembered something. Around the time that I started experiencing that feeling, I had started taking a course online. I remembered that when I first loaded a video as part of the course, a very uncomfortable feeling ran through my body, and I thought, “Hey, this feeling is telling me maybe I shouldn’t be taking this course.” But my mind really wanted to take the course, because there would be a payoff at the end of it that would make the whole endeavor worthwhile. I let my mind win the debate, and proceeded with the course despite how it felt in my body.
So I put two and two together, finally, and realized that my taking the course was completely inauthentic. My body was telling me that it wasn’t in harmony with my being to do it, and I overrode the feelings and started doing it anyway. And that was why I had this uncomfortable feeling in my body now, because everything else in my life was also experienced as inauthentic!
I had paid a high price for trying to muscle through and over what was happening, especially since a great deal of the inner work I have been doing was dedicated to cultivating the authentic being that I am. That inner work had served me well, as the signals were there. I chose to override them, thus the discomfort I had been experiencing. Let that be a lesson to me – override those feelings at my peril.
I wanted to add something to my last post, Living in a Miracle. The last sentence of that blog was, “Wouldn’t that be something, that we and everything around us might actually be 99.999999999999% love?” Well, I have been playing around with that idea, in meditation and whenever else I can remember that line. In meditation I have practiced moving my awareness into the emptiness inside of me, and simply being in and exploring that space. After a couple of forays, I am wholeheartedly recommending that practice. See for yourself if love is exactly what that empty space is.