I woke up this morning with a symphony of judgmental thoughts, mostly concerning my own behavior. I was seeing all the “poor” choices I have made of late; the words I have spoken which I wish I hadn’t, the actions I have taken which I regret, the actions not taken which I wish I had. There was seemingly no end to the judgmental thoughts, and I found myself just wanting them to go away. Good luck with that.
It is oh so tempting to want those thoughts and the feelings they engender to simply go away. How much easier life would be if these judgements and accompanying feelings weren’t part of our experience! It is this kind of thinking, (more thoughts, aren’t they?) that may have been originally responsible for the so-called search for enlightenment, which was our attempt to escape these thoughts and feelings. How many of us believed that once we reached that mythical state of enlightenment, we wouldn’t be burdened with anything negative anymore? I pictured myself being in a permanent state of samadhi!
From where I stand right now, I don’t know if these thoughts and feelings ever do go away. I know if I want them to, I’m still in the search. Remembering that helps me take that step back into a deeper level of awareness, and simply notice what thoughts, feelings and sensations are flowing through me at that moment, not try to change them or deny them. Even the thoughts that resist this noticing are part of what can be noticed.
Everything appears within this awareness, and whether my ego likes it or not is just something else to be noticed.
The Truth is Beyond Belief 
Privileged. I feel so that for having received this blog. For years I have been wondering what was the thinking behind that smile on your face and your silence.
there is something about putting it down on paper and reading it back yourself that
does connect with the divine inside of us…and you have captured it profoundly by
baring your own ego to the world and exposing truths that most of the world has not
yet considered in their reality…usually it is only poets who speak so deeply as the
words you have left us here to ponder. Thanking you deeply from my heart. Peggy
Ahhh…. the “SEARCH” . . . you’re reflections light up my day, Paul.
As magnetized clusters of beingness, we seem attracted to this, that, or another “thing”… so we ‘search’ for something… like dowsing the oceanic waters of being for some dependable guidance or anchor….
. .. or for some kind of satisfying connection with another peron-cluster-being…
we search…. ah…. the depths of “already as it is” does elude us in the business of our searching….as you say.
thanks for offering some conversation in this way . . .
– Kolin