I woke up this morning with a symphony of judgmental thoughts, mostly concerning my own behavior. I was seeing all the “poor” choices I have made of late; the words I have spoken which I wish I hadn’t, the actions I have taken which I regret, the actions not taken which I wish I had. There was seemingly no end to the judgmental thoughts, and I found myself just wanting them to go away. Good luck with that.
It is oh so tempting to want those thoughts and the feelings they engender to simply go away. How much easier life would be if these judgements and accompanying feelings weren’t part of our experience! It is this kind of thinking, (more thoughts, aren’t they?) that may have been originally responsible for the so-called search for enlightenment, which was our attempt to escape these thoughts and feelings. How many of us believed that once we reached that mythical state of enlightenment, we wouldn’t be burdened with anything negative anymore? I pictured myself being in a permanent state of samadhi!
From where I stand right now, I don’t know if these thoughts and feelings ever do go away. I know if I want them to, I’m still in the search. Remembering that helps me take that step back into a deeper level of awareness, and simply notice what thoughts, feelings and sensations are flowing through me at that moment, not try to change them or deny them. Even the thoughts that resist this noticing are part of what can be noticed.
Everything appears within this awareness, and whether my ego likes it or not is just something else to be noticed.