It has become quite clear that much of my behavior, words, pursuits, etc. lately have been driven by a shitload of pain wanting to come into conscious awareness.

In November of this year I did a cleanse which, I now realize, was focused on the liver. Since it was my colon which most needed attention, toxins backed up into my system.

In the world of cause and effect, this caused skin eruptions, headaches, constipation, and various other symptoms associated with such a toxic release.

Since that time,  my system has just not felt right. I decided to start cleansing my colon, through the use of dietary adjustments, various cleansing agents and colonics. All the while I have been aware that this cleansing was addressing far more than the physical.

A couple of months ago, I was invited to attend the last two days of a five-day Human Design immersion. I had a great time, and since then I have been reading and discussing and studying a great deal concerning this experiment. The body of knowledge is huge, although the basics are simple.

However, it soon became apparent to me that we, and I am a perfect example of this, have been conditioned in our lives to a far greater extent than I ever realized. As this realization kicked in, my own conditioning began to surface, along with many long-buried emotions that I knew were there, but never fully recognized. Nor did I fully appreciate the depth of those feelings.

One thing that has become clear in all of this is that these two voyages, the health issue and Human Design, plus other factors large and small, have “conspired” to bring me right where I need to be at this exact point in time. No amount of research, no amount of chocolate or sugar, no amount of posturing, rationalizing or distracting can change the fact that, like I said in the first paragraph, a literal and metaphorical shitload of pain has come into my conscious awareness. My mind has been freaking out in the last couple of days, bringing with it a lack of focus, concentration, and any semblance of equilibrium.

So here I am on the beach, typing this on my iPhone, bringing you and me totally up-to-date, which is the first time in months that I have been able to see clearly amidst the physical changes, as well as the mental and emotional turmoil.