I’ve been noticing many of the childhood patterns coming up in the form of very long-held-in feelings. Though often too nebulous to name, I can name the feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment that have been arising. These feelings are accompanied by the desire to run away, as far and as fast as I can.
What I realize now is that by allowing myself to get angry, bitter, resentful, etc., I am allowing myself all the feelings I was never allowed to have while living here (New York) as a kid. As a result, I now see that it doesn’t matter what I feel; who I am never changes. Noticing these feelings is enough; I don’t have to do anything with them. This seems to allow them to pass on through. Allowing the feelings seems like a much easier path than denying them. I’ve just had so much conditioning that says that feeling them is not allowed.
I already know that most of my thoughts are just so much BS, so I am seeing through Phase 1 of the Human Game pretty clearly now. There’s just something about us that NEVER changes, no matter what may be passing through.
Everything is allowed, there are no mistakes, everything simply is. We are. We are not separate from anything. The ingenuity of the Human Game is simply stunning. It has us convinced that we are a separate self, a self that is continually searching, searching for the sake of upholding its own illusory existence. It is the greatest maze ever created.
I was told that I would come to appreciate it, as opposed to resenting it, but I never dreamed that my appreciation would run so deep.