There is an old Hindu saying that goes something like this:
“The world is illusion,
Brahman alone is real,
The World is Brahman.
Wait a fucking minute.
My toast burned…AGAIN!”

Or something like that.

This is apropos of my experience these past two weeks. Well, all the time, actually, but these past two weeks has brought the paradoxical nature of this life to the forefront of my awareness.

In the last post I wrote about a very distinct pattern that I observed in myself, and how it seemed to dominate my experience. Last week I was able to untangle a very convoluted and persistent family pattern that had been haunting me for much of my life. This family pattern was responsible for the cynical, skeptical and pessimistic world view that seemed to dominate my thoughts. I also removed, and continue to monitor, the cords that had me carrying an emotional and physical load for a specific member of my family.

This work has opened up my life in a way I hadn’t dared to believe possible. Things that used to push buttons automatically and predictably don’t seem to do that now. I have more physical energy than ever before, my mind-chatter has become more recognizable as just that, and I find myself filled with an eagerness to see what comes next.

Here’s the paradox, and it is never far from my conscious awareness: None of this is real. If you try to find the wounded part of yourself, or the strong part, or any part for that matter, you can’t. All you will find are more thoughts, emotions and sensations. There is no actual person here typing on these keys right now. But all the same, I am typing on these keys. How can both these “facts” be true?

I don’t know how I can be 99.99% empty space and still have my fingers type on these keys. But I am. It shows me that I don’t know much of anything. If I wait until my understanding of life is complete before I do anything, well, you can see where that leads. The work I did these past two weeks has profoundly changed my experience of the present moment, and yet, I still don’t know who is actually having this experience of  an altered life.

As more and more of these knots are unraveled, the mystery only deepens. But what also deepens is my appreciation for life itself, as well as the desire to live it fully. I look forward to the rest of my life now, as opposed to just playing out the string. I also look forward to the continued exploration of the paradox of our seeming existence and non-existence, but now, without seeing the answer as some kind of escape from feeling my feelings. I can enjoy the exploration for its own sake, and not as an excuse to escape from participating in life’s many adventures.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some burnt toast to tend to.