I had grown very tired of my own inner dialogue concerning world events. I had and still have my own beliefs around what’s going on in the U.S., and these beliefs tend to range from dark to darker. My inner state was spilling over into my overall demeanor, and that was what I was growing so weary of. There is no telling when this particular brand of madness will end, but I needed to check out what was going on inside me, so as to bring some equilibrium and balance into my life despite what is swirling around in my head.
That morning, my wife asked me if I knew what was underneath the magnetic quality of my own attachment to my beliefs. I didn’t know, so I decided to find out.
With the help of a very gifted and patient facilitator, (Helen Luce) I finally sat down and checked out what was going on inside my gut. Most of the sensation was located in my gut, as many of my more intense sensations seem to be. At a certain point, after inquiring into many words and sensations, I was presented with a visual of what was going on. I could actually see a mesh-like field that was a representation of this magnetic quality and attachment that drew me into this swirl of current events. Now comes the humbling part. This mesh was my wanting to be right about these events, what was driving them and how they would play out.
And what was even below this mesh-like field of attachment to being right? Fear. There was a small ball of fear at the very core of my gut. At the time, I didn’t know what this fear was about, just that as I thanked it for being there, and offering it to stay as long as it liked, it didn’t seem to want to leave. So I have continued to allow for its presence, not wishing it away, but becoming more aware of it as I go about my days. As I write this, I can feel it stirring, and I can feel its primal nature. Paradoxically, as I sat with all this later on that day, I realized that seeing this about myself made me more compassionate towards myself and others. Wanting to be right seems to be the ego’s prime directive, and in that we are all in the same boat. It’s a good reminder not to be negatively judgmental towards myself, as I simply carry that into my experience of “others.”
So has my inner work made any difference in the world? I have no idea. In fact, I really have no idea what is going on in the world, despite all the opinions racing through my noggin. I’m actually tired of thinking that I know what’s going on. I can say it has made a big difference in my own inner world. There is more space and openness in my inner environment. I am quieter inside. That alone made this exercise worth doing.
When these strong feelings arise within, I consider it an act of self-love to give them their due, invite them in and ask them some “mining” questions if called for. It’s the resisting them that causes suffering.
Life seems impossibly poignant right now, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.